Jordan Carlman
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JCDB!–A SERBIAN FILM: The False Prophet of Disturbing Cinema

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Jojo cuts into A SERBIAN FILM, the false prophet of disturbing cinema!

Get ready to feel funny in places you never expected.

Get ready to feel funny in places you never expected.

Hey Ugly!

Thanks for joining in on another flesh flaking installment of JOJO’S CINEMATIC DISTURBAPORIUM BLOG! Where I- writer/cartoonist, Jordan Jojo Carlman- rummage through the filthiest of disturbing cinema for your entertainment!

You lucky pig, you!

Well I hope this time you got all your shots, because we’re going all the way with the hyper violent sex opus A Serbian Film by Srdjan Spasojevic (stop trying to say it, you sound like an idiot).

MMMEEEOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Milos visits the petting zoo.

If you’re like me, you probably first heard about  ASF from participating in a “What is the most fucked up film of all time?” conversation with some fellow OK Cupid hopefuls. This likely played out with someone first offering up a real snoozer like Saw, which then got one-upped by a mouth breathing Human Centipede fan, who was, of course, promptly usurped by the slightly more esoteric ASF aficionado.

“Wow, Jojo, this must be pretty tops, Saw is real nnnnneeeaaaattttttt,” you provoke me.

Silence is a gift, Ugly.

But yes, when you look at the content of ASF it does seem like quite the contender. ASF’s story  follows Milos,  a semi-retired porn star /Bill Lumbergh look-a-like, as he struggles to provide for his wife and young son. Just when things look pretty bleak for Milos, he gets offered a meaty lead role in an “art film”  directed by ominous underground pornographer Vukmir. Milos is torn between his vague conviction to not be an awesome Serbian porn star and the equally undefined amounts of life changing money he is offered by Vukmir; eventually, against his better judgment, Milos decides to get back in the saddle for one last rodeo.

Milos

This is all I see when I watch this movie.

From here  I could try to piece together some kind of plot for you, but it’s more accurate to just say  that ASF let’s you have it with wave after wave of pure YICK. Including but not limited to: penis warfare, child seduction, horse hormones, necrophilia, family bonding time, and last but certainly not least, NEW BORN PORN!!!!!

Hit me with some clippeys, DJ, and don’t hold the spoilers.

Clip 1

Clip 2

Clip 3

 

“…”

Ugly, you just said a malformed mouthful.

Certainly those aforementioned unmentionables earn ASF a place in the annals of THE DISTURBAPORIUM…or do they?

You should see his Zord!

Sure, this film has all the gut wrenching violence and depraved sexual exploit you could ask for, but the overly smooth visuals of the film–shot in a painfully shiny digital way–coupled with the laughable action sequences, kind of leaves you feeling like you just watched a Power Rangers tinted snuff film. What’s even worse is that under this sweaty meat party you are supposed to find a political message!

 

 

Yup! Spasojevicavonaronatic made the following statement when asked by the good folks at Electric Sheep if he was upset about how critics didn’t get why the film was so violent:

It doesn’t even matter to the censors that the film fights against the bad things that we’re talking about. Of course, it shows a lack of freedom of speech, but it also covers up crime. The film is a statement from the victim, but they’re not allowing us to talk about what happens. It’s not my fault, it’s not the victim’s fault that these things are bad. It’s my testimony and they’re forbidding me from telling it, because it’s too hard to watch.

Dear hideous reader, I consider myself an open minded man, capable of drawing many foolish conclusions from the rubbish I watch, but in a film where victims fight back against their aggressors with over sized dingle sticks,  you’ll be hard pressed to glean political clarity. This film might be able to hold on to a shred of credibility if  it wasn’t so proud of its over the top approach to violence. And it is for that reason that this film can only rate a “WTF” on the DISTURBAPORIUM SCALE; rated down for vaudevillian shenanigans and no small amount of up it’s own assery.

Also applicable for: dates, dinners, and getting used to a new cell phone.

I also use this scale for when I eat at Subway.

Till next time, Ugly, stay out of jail.

Jojo

Website: www.rumbleowl.com

Twitter: @rumbleowlaltcom

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