Jordan Carlman
No Comments

JCDB!–Martyrs: The French Frighten Me

Decrease Font Size Increase Font Size Text Size Print This Page

Jojo peels back the flesh on Pascal Laugier's Martyrs



Get ready to feel funny in places you never expected.

Get ready to feel funny in places you never expected.

Hey Ugly!

Glad to see you could be bothered to pay us another visit. I, writer/cartoonist Jordan Jojo Carlman, have been worried sick! Though you sure picked a great time to pop in, because I just got done watching Pascal Laugier‘s titillating tale of torture, Martyrs.

Now Ugly, I am a man of deplorable film tastes; however it would be remiss of me if I didn’t fess up and tell you that I have watched things that I wish I could unsee.  Things that would make the fuzz on your teeth curdle. And every so often, I watch a film like Martyrs that makes me have to stop and ask,

me feast

Why the hell am I watching this?


But much like the absurd level of cruelty displayed in this film, there are no satisfying answers as to why,  only the tears that follow.

The story of Martyrs follows two orphan girls, Lucie and Anna, through their life long friendship that is founded on brutality, and misinterpreted sexual advances. The films starts out in an orphanage, where we see little Lucie meet little Anna. Lucie is a pretty messed up kid, even for orphan standards, due to the fact that she had only recently escaped the literal shackles of an underground anonymous torture facility. It doesn’t take long for Lucie’s crazy to start showing, when Anna walks in on Lucie carving herself up like a post-break up Dashboard Confessional Fan . The twist? Lucie says she didn’t do it!


A creep girl

That thing is so ugly it could be your mother! Turns out Lucie is more of a nutter than you might imagine, and through the magic of flashback exposition we come to find out that when she escaped she left another little girl behind to die, and it has been haunting her ever since! #12yearsaslave #dontleavepatsey

The rest of the flick plays out fifteen years later, Lucie and Anna have grown up, saved their pennies, bought a shot gun, and tracked down the mawfuggers who ruined Lucie’s life.

Let’s play the clip!

Only problem is that these particular mawfuggers are just an average suburban family, including young children, a fact that forces  Anna to seriously  question if  helping her weapon wielding mentally ill friend was such a good idea in the first place. I’d tell you more about the plot, but honestly anything else I tell you would just spoil the fun.  For those of you that need your palette wetted a bit more, here is the run down. This film also includes: Metal plate make overs, tandem psycho-cathartic  suicide, mystic cult celebratory brunches,  hammer time, and last but certainly not least, prophetic skin peelings.

I walked away from Martyrs with serious concerns about the state of our world; the next week of my life was tinted by the films portrait of hopelessness, and I felt filmed over by the filth of transcendental dread that this genre  slathers its viewers with.


Martyrs makes good on the promise of disturbing films, to evoke genuinely well crafted heinous doom.  And, Ugly,  no matter how many times I ask myself why, the question is never even half as alluring as how. It’s for the above stated reasons that I deem Martyrs a No…NO! on the DISTURBAPORIUM SCALE!


Also applicable for: dates, dinners, and getting used to a new cell phone.

Images drawn from reference during rest room breaks.

Till next time, Ugly, stay out of jail.



Twitter: @rumbleowlaltcom


Search the Feast

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Current month ye@r day *